My B.F.G.

Well, it’s official. I am a big-baby making machine. Really, it doesn’t surprise me. I knew what I was signing up for when I married my 6’3’’ knight in shining armor, who at his birth was a whopping 10 lbs 11 oz., 24 inches long.  Gailey men just come big.

Today, my doctor was actually trying to suppress a fit of giggles as he called my unborn child, “robust”. Thanks doc. I guess it’s not considered couth to call your patient’s baby “fat” to her face. Sadly, I can see through cleverly used synonyms. But for the benefit of my son, I am going to use the term, “above average”. Indeed, you cannot argue that 97^th percentile in utero is not quite the achievement.

For the record, I love my doctor. He’s great. Plus he shows strength in being able to hold his composure while discussing MY weight. Maybe only baby fat is funny…?

Here’s hoping that they decide to smoke the baby out before he becomes indefinitely wedged. As for me, I am giving up prenatal care. I can be laughed at anywhere else, for free.

What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted?

Seemingly, not much. I have to say that I was a little disappointed with last night’s “The Bachelor: The Women Tell All” episode. Instead of spending time on Jason and his army of discarded women, we got to see Trista and Ryan… again. While we did get to see some other Bachelor and Bachelorette season favorites (You can finally sleep well at night: Jesse Csincsak has found himself a woman. Hooray for the bonds that are being a reality show cast-off!) even that wasn’t as informative as I would have liked. But hey, hats off to you, Bachelor crew, you have proven to me that you have “successfully” matched more than just one pair. Perhaps we’ll even get to see the wedding of Charlie O’Connell and Sarah Brice someday…

Here is my run-down on the night:

Molly- We finally know what happened inside that tent. I may be naive, but “1^st Base” does not constitute the “Walk of Shame”. I’m not certain, but I think that people reserve that term for sex on the first date. Thanks for letting us all believe that you were just a slut.

Shannon- You’re cute, but having to watch you go in for a kiss with your tongue out, grossed me out more than words can express. It would have been a better turn-on if you had just kept picking your nose.

Natalie- Oh… too… much… to… say. Let me sum up: You are one of those that make all of us blondes look bad. Oh, and you’re stupid.

Renee- How is it that you and your “Vision Boards” escaped public ridicule? Am I the only one who remembers you? Scary.

Megan, Lauren, & Erica- Still glad that you’re gone.

Jillian- I am still in mourning, but I ask myself why, during your exit interview in the car, no one could tell you that your bra was showing. Talk about insult to injury. Oh, and thanks for asking Jason about the kiss. Awkwardness = Fabulousness.

Caesar the Limo Driver- You have mad skills. Congratulations on 7 years of Bachelor service! 

My one shining moment last night was when Chris (spokesman of the ABC executives) innocently asked Jillian if she would be willing to be the next Bachelorette. Hah! I meant to bet someone 50 bucks on that… shoot. At any rate: Stay tuned for my views on "The Bachelorette: Season 5". 

Finally, I confess myself disappointed with ABC’s advertising. Here I am, each week, thinking that we would finally see the “…most dramatic moment in Bachelor history.”. What a clever ruse. I refer, of course, to the return of DeAnna. No worries, it’s not because I actually like DeAnna… I actually hope that Jason is man enough to just pop her one in the nose. Now THAT would be dramatic. I am tired of being teased.

Why?

What is it about MY food that is so appetizing? Why is it that I can serve my children breakfast, and after cleaning the last of it off the table along with the lactose lake, serve myself (in the same color bowl, same cereal, same milk, same style of spoon) only to find two Oliver-esque, apparently homeless children standing by my side, begging for my breakfast? Please note: this does not only happen over breakfast.

What is it about a broken toy that entices a child so? Why is it that they can bring it to you, demand that it be fixed, and when a simple, “Not right now” doesn’t work, you can spend 20 minutes doing nothing short of using the “Jaws of Life”, only to watch your child, eyes dim with lost interest, walk away and deposit the toy not five feet from the site of your toil?

What is it about nakedness that appeals so entirely to children? Why is it that when Ethan was a baby, he hated to be naked, but now uses his Spiderman costume as a one-way ticket out of the bondage of pants? Just for your own piece of mind… I draw the line at underpants. We are not a commando household. 

I guess some mysteries are better left unsolved.

My Lament.

I knew that this wouldn’t last long. But I have to say that I didn’t see it coming, I'll even admit that I let out a gasp. I thought that Jason would want someone who felt like his best friend; evidently not. Jillian was my personal favorite, so I should have seen it coming from a mile away.

I really do wonder what happens on those over-night dates. I just don’t know how anyone can be okay with that. “Sure. I’ll sleep with you. Oh, and I REALLY hope that you don’t dump me afterwards.” Could it really have been that bad that he could have such a great connection with someone on every other level, and still send her home after sleeping with her? Remind me not to stay in a fantasy suite in Queenstown’s Heritage Hotel. Apparently, there’s some REALLY bad lighting there.

It’s not all sadness. We still have Melissa, our southern darling. She’s adorable. (I do want to correct her overbite, though.) May she be able to charm Ty and win Jason’s heart… hopefully before the much-anticipated return of DeAnna.

Please help me to observe a moment of silence for our dear, Jillian. I really will miss your Canadian accent. I wish you well in finding love, the conventional way. 

10 Things I Hate About You

I recently read a letter in the Ensign that told of an elderly woman who had recently lost her husband; her husband that she had complained about for years. Mostly, she complained about the toothpaste on the mirror. Later in the letter it goes on to say that after he died, she was still cleaning the toothpaste off of the mirror, realizing that it wasn’t just him and feeling guilty and embarrassed for the years that she had gone on about it. I felt a different moral after reading it.

I was thinking how impossible it would be for me to clean the last of “his” toothpaste off the mirror. I didn’t think that I would be able to do it, and would resign myself to toothpaste on the mirror for the rest of my life. I would have never known that I had been doing it too.

Everyone has small things about their spouse that annoy them. You know it’s true. But I submit that those things are exactly what we would miss most once they were gone. And, so, this is for my husband. I sincerely hope that I am never able to change you. Happy Valentine’s Day, Baby! I love everything I hate about you:

10. That look that you give me when you think that I am making too big a deal of something.

9. The way you manage to rearrange my entire kitchen when you unload the dishwasher. (Don’t think I don’t know what you’re trying to do…)

8. That you “sneak” chocolate chips out of the cupboard and don’t refill the container. Seriously, semi-sweet chocolate chips??

7. The fact that you can find your way ANYWHERE. Even when I know you’re really lost, you manage to turn it around and prove me wrong, without directions! It’s sick.

6. That awful look you give me when I start to cry. It only makes me feel guilty that I am crying over nothing because you look so hurt. Not everything needs to be fixed.

5. When you teach the children things like, “Head-First Stair Sledding”. Yeah, I know it’s fun, but you’ll be at school when Ethan needs stitches.

4. That you can’t tell if I am wearing makeup or not.

3. How you can fall asleep when I am talking to you and still try to pass it off like you heard what I said.

2.  When you look at me with the wrong eye. Face it, baby, you’ve got me trained.

1. That you give me everything and ask for nothing in return. You really are the most sickeningly great guy I have ever met. It’d be nice to make your day every once in a while… 

Sayonara.

A big, fat, “See, ya!” comes to mind after watching last night’s Bachelor. Naomi or “Bangs” was sent home because Jason didn’t believe she was sincere in saying that she was ready to settle down. We, as the viewers, know the true grounds for her immediate dismissal. Wow. The look on Jason’s face mirrored the look on mine when her mother began to talk about reincarnation… and I’m not even dating the chick!

I really don’t know why I didn’t like her, other than despite not having bangs, she always had an incredible amount of hair in her face, and that she talked like she had either just been stung by a bee on her tongue or just escaped the dentist’s chair.

All said and done, I am happy but nervous. He’s bound to send one of my favorites home soon. Sadly, I feel that Melissa’s days may be numbered. In the meantime, good riddance, Naomi! Please don’t let the door hit your tongue on the way out. 

A Boy's Life.

I often wonder what exactly I am in for as a mother of three boys, and last week, I got a glimpse. Here are a few of my experiences:

The other morning, this is what I woke up to:

“Now, Sloan, you’re going to have to hold on REAL tight.”

Intrigued, I lift my head and squint toward the door, where I see Ethan gripping the edge of a laundry basket that is perched precariously at the top of the stairs. After grabbing my glasses for a clearer look, I see Sloan. INSIDE said basket, preparing himself for the launch. I guess sleeping in isn’t as good of an idea as I once thought…

 

Sitting in the living room, watching a movie with my children, I hear a ruckus and look over to examine the situation.

Sloan has his finger outstretched in front of Ethan’s mouth, which he has shut tightly. I was curious what had happened until I heard these words out of my baby’s mouth:

“Lick IT!” pinning his brother down with his left arm, “Lick it!”

 

Not many people can see into the future. Apparently, I can. Lucky me.