Monday, January 25, 2010

I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees...

... flowers, bushes, and basically shrubbery in general.

Jake, I understand not wanting to lead anyone on and I even understand sending more girls home than an ideal Bachelor Season would allow. What I don't understand is the senseless burning of roses. What did it ever do to you?

On that note; a list of other things that I don't understand:

1. Sending Ella home. I just can't be down with that. That said, I thank Jake for the courage to present us with the next Bachelorette: Ella. Or as I like to call it, "Jason Mesnick: Season II".

2. Why I was shocked that he kept Vienna.

3. How I can like Gia and hate her incessant giggling at the same time. Or rather, why I like Gia in spite of her incessant giggling.

4. Why I have to know the color of Ashleigh's underpants. Although, I am sincerely grateful that she wears them.

5. Why Jake waited to send Jessie home until now. Now it just looks like you sent her home for gossiping instead of the obvious yet unexplainable facial flaws that really sent her home. (I really can't pin-point which feature makes her gremlin-like.)

Quote of the night (Or rather, partial quote of the night.): "I think..."-Kathryn
(Only a true Bachelorite will have picked that one up...)

Me Likey: Ali (though I think out of self-preservation she better keep the V-word off her tongue.), Tenley, and Gia (what?!).

Me No Likey: Vienna. Yeah, the one named after the sausage, not the city.

Friday, January 22, 2010

I'll take that as a compliment.

My 27th Birthday is on Saturday. Yep, the big 2-7.

Josh told me that he has had a dinner planned for my birthday since September which, of course, I didn't believe. I'm the obsessive planner in the family, believe it or not. I, knowing that he knows that I HATE surprises, was sure I could get it out of him before B-Day, but the man had suddenly become Fort Knox. Oh wait. Tidbits I got out of him include:

"Sarah said she'd like it, if she were you."

Who the crap is Sarah?

And, "They specialize in gamey meat."

Ah. He forgot the deer meat tin foil dinners that I threw up on our third or fourth date.

Irritated, but excited, I decided to get ready for my date. Not knowing where we were going meant I had to dress up but not be too dressy. Hmm. I settled on a nice sweater dress and tights with a sleek updo to dress it up. After an hour of toiling in the bathroom over hair and makeup, I looked fabulous! Like this:

And this:

And this:

See what I mean? Yeah. The pictures don't do it justice, really. Promise. It was elegant.

So Josh gets home, and I, standing in the bathroom, put a bright smile on my face (the kind that says, "You're supposed to notice something...") and wait for the glowing compliments that would surely follow.

"So, Ethan can't watch TV?"

"That's all you have to say?"

After a minute of weighing his options:
"I, uhm, I would be proud(?) to take you out in public looking the way that you do?"

I'll take it.

*Josh took me to Serendipity of Las Vegas at Caesar's Palace so that I could finally taste the frozen hot chocolate I've been talking about since I saw it on Oprah 5 years ago. It was yummy and romantic. I love that man!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Memo to Ethan's Wife:

He wants kids. Lots of kids.

10 girls and 10 boys, to be exact.

The first will be a boy that you are allowed to name all by yourself. The second, a girl, named Rose. Rose will be joined by her little sister, Watersplash, (judging from the pace you must keep to have 20 kids...) shortly.

All of your children will be born in the month of January which, of course, is the only month in which you are allowed to consume cupcakes.

All 20 will spend summers with Grandma and Grandpa where the boys will roughhouse with Grandpa and the girls will stay downstairs in our condo (the length of time is not yet determined.) because girls might not like to wrestle.

Just thought that you might like to know.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Game. Set. Match.

It's called the game of chicken, folks!

In case you've never heard of it, Chicken, courtesy of Wikipedia:

"The game of Chicken, also known as the Hawk-Dove or Snowdrift[1] game, is an influential model of conflict for two players in game theory. The principle of the game is that while each player prefers not to yield to the other, the outcome where neither player yields is the worst possible one for both players.

The name "Chicken" has its origins in a game in which two drivers drive towards each other on a collision course: one must swerve, or both may die in the crash, but if one driver swerves and the other does not, the one who swerved will be called a "chicken," meaning a coward; this terminology is most prevalent in political science and economics."

Picked out of a garbage can last week at Six Flags:

Contract terms: Upon performing osculation with Miss Elizabeth, Mr. Jake Pavelka agrees to forfeit all rights to deny Miss Elizabeth a rose during any and all rose ceremonies. Additionally Mr. Pavelka agrees to forfeit all rights to kiss any other woman, ever.

Glad he could see through her mind games and send her packing.

Tonight's award goes to Jake, master Chicken player.

Quote of the night: "I had no clue!" -Michelle, on being asked to leave after she announced her impending departure.

Unedited Quote of the night: "I had no clue... he was so good at chicken!" -Michelle, on being asked to leave after she announced her impending departure.

Me Likey: Adorable Ali, and Heart of Gold Ella, of course. Also, never thought I'd say it, but, Bricks for Brains, Tenley. At least one girl's moral compass is still intact...

Me No Likey: Alleged Female Vienna, and Kathryn (The chick that looks like Carrie Underwood) for sheer lack of originality during comedy routines.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Out of the Mouth of Babes


He said it.

Didn't coach him.

Watch, listen, and learn.

Oh, and he can ride a two-wheeler, too.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Episode II: Rise of the Double Standard

Well, I must apologize. My TiVo missed the first 15 minutes of the Bachelor because it didn't recognize the subtitle: On The Wings of Love, then halfway through the show my T.V. gave up completely and flat-lined:

Maybe it was trying to tell me something.

At any rate, I made it to the 13-inch set in my bedroom and finished it, though my husband begged me not to since I was in his sleeping quarters. He just doesn't understand how serious my obligations are.

Without further ado:

Since everyone in the blogosphere will be writing about the scandal, I'm just going to join right in.

I was giving Rozlyn the benefit of the doubt and had marked Gia with my scarlet letter of suspicion. Sad to say that my impression that "model" Rozlyn looked less Twiggy Lawson and more Jenna Jameson, was true. A girl with those proportions, no doubt the product of good genes and certainly not surgical enhancement, should go far on the Bachelor but was unable when ABC sent her home. While I, myself, didn't care for her, I wanted Jake to send her home himself, eventually.

What I can't understand is why everyone on the Bachelorette production staff knew that Wes had a girlfriend back home last season and somehow he was never sent home before Jillian did the dirty deed herself? Wes, like Rozyln, was not there with the good intention of finding love. I guess it all depends on how long you can drag the drama out and when is the optimum time for revelation to increase ratings. I'm sure there is some team over at ABC that sorts through these statistics.

Other highlights of the night:

The soft rock hit, "On The Wings of Love", finally made it into Bachelor history.

Ashley "Crazy Eyes" Schoolteacher was sent home.

Michelle "Crazy Eyes" Crazyperson was not. The longer he keeps her around and leads her on, the more chance there is of someone gettin' dead.

Quote of the night: "I don't really think that my personal life is anyone's business." -Rozlyn

Me Likey: Ali and Ella

Me No Likey: Anyone who cried when they heard about the scandal. Seriously.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Let's get it started!

Little known facts about tonight’s Bachelor:

1) Trend alert! Vapid is the new desperate!

2) Scratch that, insincerity is the new desperate.

3) Ali was voted “Cuter than a Button” in High School.

4) Motorcycles have been outlawed in several countries because the aphrodisiac nature of them caused many a steamy panic.

5) America currently leads the world numbers in the over-privileged, under-educated, “Daddy’s Girl” population.

6) Gia is actually Colista Flockhart’s twin. She appeared on the show after losing a bet with Harrison Ford.

7) If it looks like a gremlin, acts like a gremlin, or speaks like a gremlin, don’t let it near the pool.

8) Michelle isn’t actually crazy. She’s crazy for feelin’ so lonely and the meds aren’t helping.

9) All the girls were given a copy “Worst First Lines Ever” with the application paperwork and were asked to memorize at least three. Most thought it was a test.

10) Valisha’s Texas dirt was actually potting soil from the San Bernardino Home Depot.

11) Cooking bare-chested may seem sexy but please be advised of the hazards and consequences that may accompany your morning eggs.

Me likey: Ali and Ella

Me no likey: Rozlyn, Vienna, and Christina.

Quote of the night: "It's competition, I get it. But, there are some girls that have their tah-tahs out to pa-lay! Huge boobs. And I'm probably jealous. Baby boobs. But they're just kind of , like, rubbing me the wrong way, already." -Christina

Let the games begin!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

It's a sickness, really.

Beginning Monday, January 4th, 2010.

Who will help make sarcastic commentary based on personal observations and creative ABC crew editing?

I'm there for you, Jake. Fly high, my friend, fly high.