The words right out of my mouth.

My sister suggested a spoiler link, and it turns out that this guy does a run-down of the show. Pretty long, but funny. Here's a snippet:

-Now it’s time to meet the man that produced this fine young spectacle of a woman. Vinnie is her dad’s name. Vinnie. I expected nothing less. Vinnie is a cross between Groucho Marx and the late Bruno Kirby, who played Billy Crystal’s best friend in “When Harry Met Sally”. And Vinnie is also is a solid judge of character. He lets Jake know, “I’m a pretty good judge of character, so I got a real good feeling about you.” Oh yes you are Vin Man. Starting with your daughter. You raised quite the little precious princess, didn’t you? And apparently Jake has him fooled as well. I mean, please. I think you could fool Vinnie with the quarter-behind-the-ear trick if you really tried. Jake wouldn’t even have to act or be phony to try and convince the Vinmeister he’s the one for his daughter. The fact that Jake still has all his teeth was probably the first sign to Vinnie that Jake and his daughter should make babies. Which I think they actually started trying to later on in the date. But that was after the back porch dinner.

If you have an hour or two to kill, give it a shot, but buyer beware, it is, in fact, a spoiler.

Reality Steve

The Seasons Collide

Bachelor franchise seasons, that is. Come, let us explore.

1. In the grand tradition of train-wreck hometown dates, Vienna's Dad did not disappoint. Granted he was no dead dove, but his whole Daddy's princess shotgun routine got old before the first preview. (See also Season 13)

2. Pretty sure that the room in which Jake received "the biggest bombshell of all" was the same room that Jillian received her biggest bombshell too. Oh, and the situation was at least similar, except Ed was coming back and Ali was leaving. Hmm. Come to think of it, it's like they planned that... (See also Season 5)

There are more, but I'm tired. Lesson learned, though. It's a small world after all, even in reality T.V.

Quote of the night:

"If, Chris, if I could look in her eyes and tell her, 'You are the girl, I want to marry you right now', it would be a different story but I can't do that. (ABC won't let me.)" -Jake Pavelka

Officially rooting for: Tenley, whose mom looks younger than she does.

So not wanting to see her tramp stamp in St. Lucia: Vienna.

P.S. Was anyone else in love with Ali's dress?! A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E!

Bubble Boy

Sloan is a hazard to himself. Perhaps it is a form of middle child syndrome; a way of getting attention that is exclusively his.

The other morning, as I announced that I would be overseeing the dressing of all pajama-clad and/or naked boys in three minutes time, Sloan decided that he was in need of such one-on-one time. He proceeded, in true boy fashion, to take a flying leap over a kitchen chair and my traumatic morning commenced.

I always knew that Sloan would be my first set of stitches, and I was certain that his time had come.

You see, when his face hit the floor on the other side of the chair, he bit his lip. This isn't the first time he's done this. It was, however, the first time he had done this:

Yeah. That's right. The blood on the underside of his bottom lip is the EXIT wound.

After a frantic call (or six) to Daddy and a few rude text messages, I was able to contact Daddy who, after receiving two blurry camera-phone pictures via text, decided that it wasn't serious enough for Urgent Care and/or stitches to be necessary.

Surely, he underestimated the situation. My baby had a HOLE through his lip. I guess I should have seized the moment and put a toilet-paper tube in it to save him time and pain during his angst-ridden youth. Ah, well, I'm sure he'll do it again...

I spent the next 30 minutes pouring over Sloan, deciding whether or not my motherly instincts warranted an overruling.

Of course, while the cat's away, the mice will...

... see that the pantry door is ajar and lay hold upon the only saliva-soluble packaging within reach. (Notice the floor and the used-to-be white jammies. Still working on returning both to their original luster.)

In the end, Sloan refused to go to the doctor and screamed for Daddy all morning. I guess that's reasonable since Daddy isn't the mean one who forced you to eat your weight in popsicles in an effort to combat the swelling of your already large, Gailey-bred, bottom lip.

Sorry Pal, maybe next time you should wait to do something like this until you are on Daddy's watch.

Do you see what I see?

Yeah, that about sums it up.

Oh, and...

I know it's too late but I love you, Corrie. I love you. I respect you.

I relate to you.

So, here's to you. You lovely, lovely, lady.

Quote of the night: "Is it okay to fall?" -Gia

Me Likey: Ali, Gia, and Tenley.

Me No Likey: Fraggle Rock.

I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees...

... flowers, bushes, and basically shrubbery in general.

Jake, I understand not wanting to lead anyone on and I even understand sending more girls home than an ideal Bachelor Season would allow. What I don't understand is the senseless burning of roses. What did it ever do to you?

On that note; a list of other things that I don't understand:

1. Sending Ella home. I just can't be down with that. That said, I thank Jake for the courage to present us with the next Bachelorette: Ella. Or as I like to call it, "Jason Mesnick: Season II".

2. Why I was shocked that he kept Vienna.

3. How I can like Gia and hate her incessant giggling at the same time. Or rather, why I like Gia in spite of her incessant giggling.

4. Why I have to know the color of Ashleigh's underpants. Although, I am sincerely grateful that she wears them.

5. Why Jake waited to send Jessie home until now. Now it just looks like you sent her home for gossiping instead of the obvious yet unexplainable facial flaws that really sent her home. (I really can't pin-point which feature makes her gremlin-like.)

Quote of the night (Or rather, partial quote of the night.): "I think..."-Kathryn

(Only a true Bachelorite will have picked that one up...)

Me Likey: Ali (though I think out of self-preservation she better keep the V-word off her tongue.), Tenley, and Gia (what?!).

Me No Likey: Vienna. Yeah, the one named after the sausage, not the city.

I'll take that as a compliment.

My 27th Birthday is on Saturday. Yep, the big 2-7.

Josh told me that he has had a dinner planned for my birthday since September which, of course, I didn't believe. I'm the obsessive planner in the family, believe it or not. I, knowing that he knows that I HATE surprises, was sure I could get it out of him before B-Day, but the man had suddenly become Fort Knox. Oh wait. Tidbits I got out of him include:

"Sarah said she'd like it, if she were you."

Who the crap is Sarah?

And, "They specialize in gamey meat."

Ah. He forgot the deer meat tin foil dinners that I threw up on our third or fourth date.

Irritated, but excited, I decided to get ready for my date. Not knowing where we were going meant I had to dress up but not be too dressy. Hmm. I settled on a nice sweater dress and tights with a sleek updo to dress it up. After an hour of toiling in the bathroom over hair and makeup, I looked fabulous! Like this:

And this:

And this:

See what I mean? Yeah. The pictures don't do it justice, really. Promise. It was elegant.

So Josh gets home, and I, standing in the bathroom, put a bright smile on my face (the kind that says, "You're supposed to notice something...") and wait for the glowing compliments that would surely follow.

"So, Ethan can't watch TV?"

"That's all you have to say?"

After a minute of weighing his options:

"I, uhm, I would be proud(?) to take you out in public looking the way that you do?"

I'll take it.

*Josh took me to Serendipity of Las Vegas at Caesar's Palace so that I could finally taste the frozen hot chocolate I've been talking about since I saw it on Oprah 5 years ago. It was yummy and romantic. I love that man!

Memo to Ethan's Wife:

He wants kids. Lots of kids.

10 girls and 10 boys, to be exact.

The first will be a boy that you are allowed to name all by yourself. The second, a girl, named Rose. Rose will be joined by her little sister, Watersplash, (judging from the pace you must keep to have 20 kids...) shortly.

All of your children will be born in the month of January which, of course, is the only month in which you are allowed to consume cupcakes.

All 20 will spend summers with Grandma and Grandpa where the boys will roughhouse with Grandpa and the girls will stay downstairs in our condo (the length of time is not yet determined.) because girls might not like to wrestle.

Just thought that you might like to know.