Breaking News?

So, it's not like I totally didn't see this coming 7 months ago, but I find myself surprised/disgusted at what I found in my e-mail inbox this morning.

*Click here to read the story.

The title read something like, "Jake Pavelka, Vienna Girardi to Reunite on The Bachelorette."

What the crap? Reunite? Apparently, I've been living in a cave for about two weeks. Indeed, I announced their inevitable split the moment that she touched his abs, but I find myself shocked for many reasons:

1) She cheated. Not surprising. What is surprising is that HE is surprised that she did. I think that I speak for all of America when I say that he had fair warning.

2) She lasted 7 months before she cheated. Maybe...

3) Jake is ridiculously good and milking fame. From Dancing with the Stars (which apparently started the distance to grow between them as Girardi believed that DWTS should have been her endeavor. Denial is apparently a fantastic motivator. Does she realize that half of America hates her??), to an apparent stint on the Lifetime series, "Drop Dead Diva", and his now imminent appearance in "The Bachelor Pad". I'm actually really hoping that he goes back to piloting, and soon. He's starting to really get on my nerves.

There's more, but I digress. I can't waste more time on them. I have a sour taste in my mouth.

More pleasant news: Ali finally sent... wait... what's his name? Home. Oh, and Kasey and his juvenile tattoo are stuck in Iceland someplace. Kudos to Craig for capitalizing on the hilarious, if not disturbing, nature of it. Two cool points to you.

Prediction: Justin has a girlfriend. Seriously now, who didn't see that coming? He is definitely this season's Wes equivalent. I just want to know how he made it in his walking cast down the stairs featured in the promo.

Rooting for: Roberto, and Kirk.

Not-so-much-rooting-for: Frank (getting really creepy), Craig (Funny... for a lawyer.), and Ty (this season's Ed).

One. Perfect. Day.

No breakfast in bed.

No silly songs.

No over-the-top dinner.

No gifts.

Just cake.

A White-Chocolate Raspberry Torte.

Made from scratch.

Fool Me Once...

... shame on you. Fool me twice, I'll still watch your show.

You've done it again, ABC. I thought for sure that the teasers on television about Kasey meant something a whole lot more sinister than a really dumb, permanent display of obsession. I should know better.

Speaking of...

Ah, Kasey. Watching your date with Ali was nothing short of painful. From the weird-voiced, cheesy-lyric serenades to the vomit-inducing one liners. If you stop trying to sound like Romeo, you just might actually have a shot at being Romeo. Plus, if one questions your sincerity, there's nothing like a bright, shiny new tat to really put things over the top. You owe Frank a big "thank you" for interjecting and stealing Ali before you could parade your body art in front of her. Had you been able to, it may have cost you a rose, and you may have had a restraining order to add to your list of firsts.

A mad shout goes out to both Kirk and Chris L. for taking Ali's best interests to heart. Flowers, soup, and a bed time story are really the best medicine.

Of course, Chris N. stayed. Oh, wait. What's that, you say? You don't know who that is? That's okay. I don't think that Ali does, either...

Thank goodness that Jonathan finally went home. He was a lot more high maintenance than one should expect a man to be, even for a Weatherman.

Jesse's gone. Surprising? Yes. Though not really...

Officially, I want Kirk to win. Really, really. Roberto's gonna take it, thus, cementing my knack for rooting on the wrong one. Oh well. Me likes who me likes. Doesn't Kirk get more pretty as time goes on?

Quote of the Night: "I'm going to protect and guard your heart. He tattooed it on his wrist. Getting a tattoo, that doesn't prove anything except the fact that you're nuts." -Frank

Very Close 2nd Place Quote of the Night: "Kasey didn't, in fact, burn himself. He got a tattoo. He's gotta live with the for the rest of his life. That's not coming off. So you're gonna be the tattooed Bachelorette guy for the rest of your life. That's gonna be probably your nickname." -Chris L.

Ah, hah, hah... just found this whilst downloading pictures from the internet and had to share. It's my privilege, nay, my duty as a loyal Bachelor/Bachelorette fan to make fun of those I deem ridiculous. Without further ado, Kasey's ideal date according to ABC.com:

"Horseback riding on the ocean, followed by lunch on a sailboat, then coming home to a prepared dinner with candlelight."

Wow. That's one talented horse. As long as you're not expecting too much, there, Kasey...

The Dark Horse

Upon further reflection:

Kirk is kind of a stud. I think that Ali thinks so, too. I don't know why I didn't see his boyish good looks and unassuming charm before. And so, he officially replaces Frank in my favorite choosings. Why?

Well...

Frank's desperation is wearing on me. Apparently, he has never seen an episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. He misses the very premise of the show. Someone had to have explained to him that he would be one of 25 men dating her... hmm... maybe not.

I think that it's awfully funny that Ali was so up in arms about Jake keeping Vienna around despite the advice of the bachelorettes living with her, and yet, Ali continues to keep Justin around. Good luck. Hmm... what's that they say about karma?

How's about giving Steve a shot? He may have Brillo Pad hair and inept fine motor skills, but the man set up a champagne picnic in the driveway. Now, that's romance.

Well, I think that about sums it up.

Recap:

Favorites: Roberto (Winner), Kirk (Runner Up and by default, The Bachelor: Season 15.), and Jesse ("At least I got a night in the fantasy suite...").

Please go home: Jonathan (weeps like a woman), Kasey ("Help! There's something stuck in my throat!"), and Justin (convenient "manly" weeping).

Waiting for Tonight.

I know that you all have been waiting on pins and needles for my assessment of The Bachelorette: Season 6. I fear that I must disappoint you. I decided that I was going to take a hiatus for this one and just enjoy the train-wreck of it all, but knowing myself, I knew that if I were to decide to post nothing at all, something would happen that would absolutely warrant a post. So, for those of you wondering where my Bachelorette insights have been, your answer is this:

I am only going to write when it moves me. There aren’t that many of you that really care what I write anyway, I imagine… Rest assured that when Kasey begins to cut himself, I shall likely join the rest of the Bachelorette blogosphere in my rants.

Until then, this will have to suffice:

Hunter: Funny, and it’s no mystery why. Funny-looking people often learn how to use humor in order to make it through High School. Case in point: Me. Actually, I am wondering if she requested trolls. Three-quarters of the bachelors are, well, less than average…

Craig: Glad he went home. I think that he has X-Ray vision. Yikes. Maybe it’s because I think that he looks like Wolverine? Super powers must be had.

Justin: Lost me during his bio in episode 1. Plus, really not diggin' the soul patch.

Jonathan: Ah, an original favorite. Who doesn’t love a Weatherman? He’s getting on my nerves, now, though. I think that when he actually does get hit, he’s gonna cry like a girl. Maybe they’ll arrange a cage fight between him, Craig and David.

Kasey: Besides the obvious mental issue foreshadowing, is anyone else waiting for him to announce that he’s deaf? It’s either that or his voice is just weirding me out.

My favorites are as follows:

Jesse: Grace under pressure.

Frank: Another funny-lookin’ dude, but something about him me likes.

And… (drum roll…)

Roberto. Bet you didn’t see that coming. He’s gonna win the whole thing. Yep. I’m callin’ it. I knew it from the moment that he and Ali met and she uttered, “Sexy…”. Then again, look at her other options…

Now I must go. I am certain that my husband is laughing somewhere saying, “I told you so!” I digress.

Also, while looking up information randomly on the internet, I looked at a bio for the host, Chris Harrison, and found this: “This year he will also host ABC's new reality show, Bachelor Pad, the first all-star reunion from previous seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, which premieres August 9.” My dream has come true.

P.S. Those who comment on my posts and make me happy will win a exclusive invitation to my Bachelorette: Season 6 Finale Party. It’s gonna be pretty rockin’. So rockin’, in fact, that I won’t reveal any details of it until after it happens. Suffice it to say that formal invitations will be involved.