My B.F.G.

Well, it’s official. I am a big-baby making machine. Really, it doesn’t surprise me. I knew what I was signing up for when I married my 6’3’’ knight in shining armor, who at his birth was a whopping 10 lbs 11 oz., 24 inches long.  Gailey men just come big.

Today, my doctor was actually trying to suppress a fit of giggles as he called my unborn child, “robust”. Thanks doc. I guess it’s not considered couth to call your patient’s baby “fat” to her face. Sadly, I can see through cleverly used synonyms. But for the benefit of my son, I am going to use the term, “above average”. Indeed, you cannot argue that 97^th percentile in utero is not quite the achievement.

For the record, I love my doctor. He’s great. Plus he shows strength in being able to hold his composure while discussing MY weight. Maybe only baby fat is funny…?

Here’s hoping that they decide to smoke the baby out before he becomes indefinitely wedged. As for me, I am giving up prenatal care. I can be laughed at anywhere else, for free.

What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted?

Seemingly, not much. I have to say that I was a little disappointed with last night’s “The Bachelor: The Women Tell All” episode. Instead of spending time on Jason and his army of discarded women, we got to see Trista and Ryan… again. While we did get to see some other Bachelor and Bachelorette season favorites (You can finally sleep well at night: Jesse Csincsak has found himself a woman. Hooray for the bonds that are being a reality show cast-off!) even that wasn’t as informative as I would have liked. But hey, hats off to you, Bachelor crew, you have proven to me that you have “successfully” matched more than just one pair. Perhaps we’ll even get to see the wedding of Charlie O’Connell and Sarah Brice someday…

Here is my run-down on the night:

Molly- We finally know what happened inside that tent. I may be naive, but “1^st Base” does not constitute the “Walk of Shame”. I’m not certain, but I think that people reserve that term for sex on the first date. Thanks for letting us all believe that you were just a slut.

Shannon- You’re cute, but having to watch you go in for a kiss with your tongue out, grossed me out more than words can express. It would have been a better turn-on if you had just kept picking your nose.

Natalie- Oh… too… much… to… say. Let me sum up: You are one of those that make all of us blondes look bad. Oh, and you’re stupid.

Renee- How is it that you and your “Vision Boards” escaped public ridicule? Am I the only one who remembers you? Scary.

Megan, Lauren, & Erica- Still glad that you’re gone.

Jillian- I am still in mourning, but I ask myself why, during your exit interview in the car, no one could tell you that your bra was showing. Talk about insult to injury. Oh, and thanks for asking Jason about the kiss. Awkwardness = Fabulousness.

Caesar the Limo Driver- You have mad skills. Congratulations on 7 years of Bachelor service! 

My one shining moment last night was when Chris (spokesman of the ABC executives) innocently asked Jillian if she would be willing to be the next Bachelorette. Hah! I meant to bet someone 50 bucks on that… shoot. At any rate: Stay tuned for my views on "The Bachelorette: Season 5". 

Finally, I confess myself disappointed with ABC’s advertising. Here I am, each week, thinking that we would finally see the “…most dramatic moment in Bachelor history.”. What a clever ruse. I refer, of course, to the return of DeAnna. No worries, it’s not because I actually like DeAnna… I actually hope that Jason is man enough to just pop her one in the nose. Now THAT would be dramatic. I am tired of being teased.

Why?

What is it about MY food that is so appetizing? Why is it that I can serve my children breakfast, and after cleaning the last of it off the table along with the lactose lake, serve myself (in the same color bowl, same cereal, same milk, same style of spoon) only to find two Oliver-esque, apparently homeless children standing by my side, begging for my breakfast? Please note: this does not only happen over breakfast.

What is it about a broken toy that entices a child so? Why is it that they can bring it to you, demand that it be fixed, and when a simple, “Not right now” doesn’t work, you can spend 20 minutes doing nothing short of using the “Jaws of Life”, only to watch your child, eyes dim with lost interest, walk away and deposit the toy not five feet from the site of your toil?

What is it about nakedness that appeals so entirely to children? Why is it that when Ethan was a baby, he hated to be naked, but now uses his Spiderman costume as a one-way ticket out of the bondage of pants? Just for your own piece of mind… I draw the line at underpants. We are not a commando household. 

I guess some mysteries are better left unsolved.

My Lament.

I knew that this wouldn’t last long. But I have to say that I didn’t see it coming, I'll even admit that I let out a gasp. I thought that Jason would want someone who felt like his best friend; evidently not. Jillian was my personal favorite, so I should have seen it coming from a mile away.

I really do wonder what happens on those over-night dates. I just don’t know how anyone can be okay with that. “Sure. I’ll sleep with you. Oh, and I REALLY hope that you don’t dump me afterwards.” Could it really have been that bad that he could have such a great connection with someone on every other level, and still send her home after sleeping with her? Remind me not to stay in a fantasy suite in Queenstown’s Heritage Hotel. Apparently, there’s some REALLY bad lighting there.

It’s not all sadness. We still have Melissa, our southern darling. She’s adorable. (I do want to correct her overbite, though.) May she be able to charm Ty and win Jason’s heart… hopefully before the much-anticipated return of DeAnna.

Please help me to observe a moment of silence for our dear, Jillian. I really will miss your Canadian accent. I wish you well in finding love, the conventional way. 

10 Things I Hate About You

I recently read a letter in the Ensign that told of an elderly woman who had recently lost her husband; her husband that she had complained about for years. Mostly, she complained about the toothpaste on the mirror. Later in the letter it goes on to say that after he died, she was still cleaning the toothpaste off of the mirror, realizing that it wasn’t just him and feeling guilty and embarrassed for the years that she had gone on about it. I felt a different moral after reading it.

I was thinking how impossible it would be for me to clean the last of “his” toothpaste off the mirror. I didn’t think that I would be able to do it, and would resign myself to toothpaste on the mirror for the rest of my life. I would have never known that I had been doing it too.

Everyone has small things about their spouse that annoy them. You know it’s true. But I submit that those things are exactly what we would miss most once they were gone. And, so, this is for my husband. I sincerely hope that I am never able to change you. Happy Valentine’s Day, Baby! I love everything I hate about you:

10. That look that you give me when you think that I am making too big a deal of something.

9. The way you manage to rearrange my entire kitchen when you unload the dishwasher. (Don’t think I don’t know what you’re trying to do…)

8. That you “sneak” chocolate chips out of the cupboard and don’t refill the container. Seriously, semi-sweet chocolate chips??

7. The fact that you can find your way ANYWHERE. Even when I know you’re really lost, you manage to turn it around and prove me wrong, without directions! It’s sick.

6. That awful look you give me when I start to cry. It only makes me feel guilty that I am crying over nothing because you look so hurt. Not everything needs to be fixed.

5. When you teach the children things like, “Head-First Stair Sledding”. Yeah, I know it’s fun, but you’ll be at school when Ethan needs stitches.

4. That you can’t tell if I am wearing makeup or not.

3. How you can fall asleep when I am talking to you and still try to pass it off like you heard what I said.

2.  When you look at me with the wrong eye. Face it, baby, you’ve got me trained.

1. That you give me everything and ask for nothing in return. You really are the most sickeningly great guy I have ever met. It’d be nice to make your day every once in a while… 

Sayonara.

A big, fat, “See, ya!” comes to mind after watching last night’s Bachelor. Naomi or “Bangs” was sent home because Jason didn’t believe she was sincere in saying that she was ready to settle down. We, as the viewers, know the true grounds for her immediate dismissal. Wow. The look on Jason’s face mirrored the look on mine when her mother began to talk about reincarnation… and I’m not even dating the chick!

I really don’t know why I didn’t like her, other than despite not having bangs, she always had an incredible amount of hair in her face, and that she talked like she had either just been stung by a bee on her tongue or just escaped the dentist’s chair.

All said and done, I am happy but nervous. He’s bound to send one of my favorites home soon. Sadly, I feel that Melissa’s days may be numbered. In the meantime, good riddance, Naomi! Please don’t let the door hit your tongue on the way out. 

A Boy's Life.

I often wonder what exactly I am in for as a mother of three boys, and last week, I got a glimpse. Here are a few of my experiences:

The other morning, this is what I woke up to:

“Now, Sloan, you’re going to have to hold on REAL tight.”

Intrigued, I lift my head and squint toward the door, where I see Ethan gripping the edge of a laundry basket that is perched precariously at the top of the stairs. After grabbing my glasses for a clearer look, I see Sloan. INSIDE said basket, preparing himself for the launch. I guess sleeping in isn’t as good of an idea as I once thought…

 

Sitting in the living room, watching a movie with my children, I hear a ruckus and look over to examine the situation.

Sloan has his finger outstretched in front of Ethan’s mouth, which he has shut tightly. I was curious what had happened until I heard these words out of my baby’s mouth:

“Lick IT!” pinning his brother down with his left arm, “Lick it!”

 

Not many people can see into the future. Apparently, I can. Lucky me.

I Stand Corrected.

Las Vegas has hardened me. If someone that I meet tells me a helpful hint, I automatically think, “Now, what’s in it for them…? Why are they trying to save me a dollar fifty on produce?” It’s not that I have been duped. In fact, I have not. But I find myself (as a general rule, mostly while I drive through the less-desirous parts of town) whispering under my breath, “We’re not in Idaho anymore. We’re not in Idaho anymore.”, simply as a reminder to stay off the 5:00 news. Depending on the degree of creepiness of my current location, I am tempted to repeat it three times and discreetly click my heels.

Monday morning did nothing to dissolve my fears. After picking Ethan up from Preschool, I decided that it was high time we got started on his Valentines. I had the tags and tins, all I needed was the candy. I decided that since it was not yet lunchtime, I would make a “quick” stop at Smith’s and pick up some red and pink M&M’s.

Arriving at Smith’s we stop, as usual, in the breezeway to grab a cart. This time, there was a new addition to the water-softener salt display; an old, shabby-looking man was perched atop the nearest bag. I gave him the slight, courteous, obligatory smile and moved to grab a cart.

“Do you like breakfast?” asks the old man. It seems he thought that my smile opened our relationship for conversation.

“Uh, I’m sorry, what? Sloan, wrong foot. Give me your other foot.” Trying desperately to move quickly, though I know that my situation will only make my children move slower.

“Do you like breakfast?”

“Um, yes, I do. Sloan, look at what you’re doing. Put your foot in here.”

“Do you like FREE breakfast?”

That was cryptic. My mind is reeling. What do I say? Thinking that this man is going to soon offer an invitation to a free breakfast in his company:

“Oh, well, who doesn’t? Sadly, we’ve already had breakfast.” Pointing to the two and four-year-old witnesses. “Ethan, on the count of three, jump. One, two…”

“Oh, well, Denny’s is giving out free breakfast. Just thought I would let you know. Take the kids, it’s really good. I…” he trailed off, mumbling incoherently.

Oh! Now I know what’s going on! This poor man received a free breakfast from a good Samaritan at Denny’s and is trying to spread the love. I turn, finally feeling at ease, to thank the man for the tip and wash away my guilt at thinking that he was homicidal.

He was no longer looking at me but instead had his head bent low, as his clicked his dentures out of his mouth, into his waiting hand. I quickly move the cart toward the entrance, before Ethan can notice that he is able to examine his teeth from an outsider’s perspective, and say something embarrassing. (We have not yet had the opportunity to cover the existence of dental prostheses.)

“We’ll have to keep that in mind, thank you for the tip. Have a nice day.”

Last night, I get around to telling Josh all about my new friend, laughing at my own stupid conclusions. At least I was able to figure out that the man was really just mistaken and confused instead of scary.

“Denny’s?” asked Josh after I was finished laughing.

“Yeah. I haven’t even seen a Denny’s around here. Funny, eh?”

“They were giving out free breakfast at Denny's on Tuesday. All the guys at school were talking about it. I guess it was a really great deal…”

“Oh.” I said quietly, the smile fading from my face and the flush of embarrassment rising in my cheeks. “I stand corrected.”

Update.

Stephanie, the woman I lovingly refer to as "Botox", was sent home last night. I have to say that I am still happy. Heart of gold or not, who did she think that she was kidding, 34?? I guess it could be the age her doctor assigned her after her "adjustments"... ? At least she has time now to go home and be with her daughter, Sophia. She's really missed her, and they are close. It's almost as if they were grandmother and granddaughter...

Let's have a hip-hip-hooray for Jillian and Melissa, and a prayer that Naomi goes home next week.

Guilty Pleasures.

I may seem to be free from addiction, but I do have my vices. You can just ask Josh, as he is sleeping upstairs by himself on any given Monday night. I refer, of course, to the current Monday night lineup of ABC. I am addicted. I can’t help myself. I cannot resist the pull of “train wreck” shows like, “The Bachelor”. I put my kids to bed, kiss my husband goodnight, and settle into a warm blanket for two hours of uninterrupted bliss. If nothing else, these shows provide a brief foray into another life, with the reminder that your life could always be worse.

This addiction did not start recently. I seem to recall at least one set of rolling eyes from my college roommates as I watched desperate women throw themselves at Aaron Buerge. Oh, yes, Bachelor… we go way back.

Sadly, I think that if this show had a better success rate, I would be less intrigued. Nothing fun about watching two strangers fall in love for real…

I would be able to stop, I tell myself, if only ABC’s marketing ploy was not so genius. They rarely throw in a Bachelor or Bachelorette that we have not seen (and bonded with) on a previous show. How could you not find out if over-blinking, doe-eyed, DeAnna Pappas could love again after being brutally rejected by Brad Womack? Or watch now as Jason Mesnick (my personal favorite for aforementioned, Ms. Pappas) tries his hand at public speed-dating? Oh, the cunning ways of public broadcasting.

Pretty sure that this is not the last you will hear from me this season. I’ll let you know when he gets rid of the ones I like. They never pick who I want, which I guess sets me up for the next season. Stay tuned to hear my thoughts on “The Bachelorette: Season 5- Jillian”.

Like: Jillian & Melissa.
Dislike: Molly & Naomi.
Love to Hate: (Or thank goodness he’s gotten rid of…) Megan, Lauren, & could-be Michael Jackson double, Nikki. (Ugh… thinking of her still gives me the willies…)